he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
how drunk are you?
Several
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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