if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize