Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
