That's when you crack a 10am beer
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I party with great urgency now.
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