im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
