She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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