you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
And then my night got REAL pukey
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
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