i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
