It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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