and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
no, he came in my armpit
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
His nipple licking is glorious
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