I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
