I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
