I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
