There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That accounts for only three of the penises
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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