He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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