Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
