I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
