thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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