Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
