The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
