Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
