i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
