Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
