Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
