I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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