I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
