I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
