What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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