I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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