I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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