The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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