i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize