it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
