Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just cropdusted the office
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
