If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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