He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
As shirtless as possible
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
