why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
