I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
