I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
