Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
