1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
