don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
