When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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