Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
