After last night, I could never be a politician.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
