So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
