I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
