A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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