Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
