I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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