I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
