I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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