Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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