3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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