I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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