hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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