I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
