Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
