Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
