I feel great
I just peed on a car
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
zippers are such a cool invention
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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