I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
