did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
