If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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