On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
