just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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