how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
