Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm both gender and math confused
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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